What Do Others Think of Your Anxiety?
In September, I had the gift of visiting a fifth and sixth grade classroom (abundant in masks and hand sanitizer) where they had been reading my book about growing up with anxiety. For context, from third through ninth grade, I had a panic attack at least twice a day, every day. The environment that most triggered my panic attacks was school.
The students had prepared questions for me, and they were particularly curious about how my classmates had reacted to my anxiety. As students also struggling with anxieties of their own, they wanted to know: what did people think of me and my anxiety? Did my classmates notice my anxious tendencies? I didn’t know the answer to these questions. At the time, I thought all eyes were on me when I was panicking, but maybe that wasn't the case. So I wanted to explore these questions further (and maybe also heal some wounds from my glorious middle school panic attack days).
Gina, ASSET’s Director of Programs, and I sought to find answers by asking my former classmates from preschool through high school: what do you actually remember? How noticeable was my anxiety? Did you witness me having a panic attack? My former classmates, Jaimon (middle-high school), Deanna (preschool-middle school), Joe (elementary-middle school) and Kayla (middle-high school), are here to share this:
People don’t remember your anxiety because they didn’t know what anxiety was nor were they paying attention. Deanna, Joe, and Kayla agreed: they did not remember witnessing me having a panic attack or showing any signs of anxiety. Deanna just thought I was Type-A and a good student. My Type-A behavior didn’t come across as a problem because I went to a school full of perfectionists. In middle school, Kayla didn’t know what anxiety was, so she didn’t identify me as “anxious” or “different.” She just thought I was a bubbly and sociable person who just happened to spend a lot of one-on-one time with teachers. Joe wasn’t aware I was anxious because middle schoolers tend to focus on themselves and their hobbies and are “dialed out of other people’s states.” From these conversations, it was clear: I was hyper-aware of my anxiety, but the people around me weren’t.
Anxious people are master chameleons. Though the anxiety felt really loud in my body, it was quiet to others. Kayla didn’t experience anxiety growing up, but she does now. She reflected and can relate: “When I am having a panic attack, it doesn’t look like I am experiencing anxiety… I am sure there were many times Tessa was anxious, and I didn’t think to check-in on her because she didn’t look upset. She seemed happy and engaging all the time.” During our conversation, Jaimon reflected on the first time we met: “Tessa was directing the school play. I thought she was a teacher because she got stuff done.… now I know the characteristics she showed at that time to be OCD.” A fear of losing control of a school production can also look like being on top of it. The manifestations of certain mental health struggles can be interpreted by others as perfectionism or just being a diligent student.
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Though it may feel embarrassing in the moment and seem as if all eyes are on your anxiety, these four successful young adults are here to share: no one will remember if or when you freaked out. Those memories may be vivid to you, but they are not taking up space in your former peers’ heads. I will leave you with some wise words by my dear friend Jaimon: “When you feel yourself freaking out, take a step back and think about the last time you witnessed a similar situation that wasn’t your own. You probably can’t. No one gives a s***.”